My Adventure of Being a YB

Thursday, 28 February 2008 – Kuala Lumpur

The Malaysian political climate suffered global warming last Friday when it was revealed that the President of PUNDAK, has nominated incumbent and greenhorn(y) Yand Berhormat Lagi Hensem (YBLH) 9 (Nine), to contend the parliamentary seat of Ampang.

This came as a shock to both the reps for UMNO and PKR who are also contesting the seat as it was initially foreseen that the seat would be a two horse battle.

YABLH 9, a world-class YB is set to become a force to be reckoned with in Malaysian politics, and even though this is his first time contesting (well, second if you count the English Language Society Presidency back in Uni), he has the ability to adhere himself to the voters not because of his political clout but more towards attracting nubile young women between the ages of 16 and 35 years old…. especially the good looking ones from the Ampang Jaya area.

When contacted Azman Wahid the UMNO rep who is also contesting the seat had this to say,

“There goes our vote from the female voters. All UMNO is left are those kertu coffeshop Uncles, Pak Cik2 gatal bermisai, and mamat rambut ketak Affin Finance cawangan Pandan. Even now, half of my perayu undi from the Puteri UMNO Ampang division have already rebelled to his camp.”

“If I wasn’t loyal to my party, hell, I’d vote for him because he’s so dishy”, said Zuraida Kamarudin, who is contesting under the PKR ticket.

“I was sure of a close win, considering my UMNO rival’s background in Bukit Antarabangsa but it looks as if the voters will be drawn to him because of his good looks and charming personality,” swooned the PKR candidate.

During a press conference at the Ampang Sports Planet, YBLH 9 calmly commented that,

“I am here to serve the people, especially the female constituents.”

He added, “As a world-class YB, I would like to improve the quality of life here.”

Proving that he’s not just a pretty face, YBLH 9 explained his 9 (yes, it is intentional) point manifesto,

“As a world-class YB, If I’m elected I will ensure the following;

i. To ease the traffic flow, I will have the current LRT line be continued along Bandar Baru, Kosas, Bukit Indah and Ampang Jaya with feeder buses coming along every 0.01s.

ii. I will create more green lungs and natural recreational forests in the Ampang area. Taman Rimba Ampang is a nature lover’s paradise (not too mention a lover’s paradise too with all the bouncing cars at night there), so the jungle will be allowed to reclaim most of southern Ampang, which will include Kg Melayu, Bandar Baru Ampang, Kosas and Bukit Indah.

No worries, as a world-class YB, I can talk to animals and I will instruct the beruks not to steal the resident’s car registration plates and Astro dishes.

iii. That old mining pool across the road from Brothers will be utilized to breed South American Red-bellied Piranhas. Let’s see if any assclowns would still be stupid enough to swim there.

iv. All animals shall be protected species.

v. All females between 16 and 35 years shall be protected species.

vi. Mat Remp.. correction, Mat Cemerlangs shall be extradited, along with their souped-up Yamaha YXZ and the occasional EX5s, who enjoys (sic) using Jln Ampang as their KL Menjerit escapades, to Singapore, where they can race along the PIE. This will allow for more Singaporeans girls to be Minah Rempits.

vii. A Perwira Affin Finance branch shall be retained in Bandar Baru Ampang so that I can pay my car allowance easier, rather than going to Pandan, where the ONLY branch in the whole of Ampang is bloody located. Even for a world-class YB like me, it’s a pain to go all the way to Pandan to make the payments.

viii. No. (vii) above, is crucial as I will then nuke Pandan, using my world-class YB uranium enrichment powers, because as all Ampangians know, Pandanians are non-issues and are the main contributing factor to the traffic jam along the MRR2, especially that bottleneck at the Pandan Mewah turn-off. Furthermore, I don’t see the function of staying in Pandan anyway.

I will then turn the area into a recreational park.

ix. I will send the 515 Regiment Askar Wataniah, barracked along Jalan Ampang, to invade Bukit Melawati and Taman Connaught. This will expand my constituency further and will allow her and them to be under my jurisdiction.”

YBLH later ended the press conference with gusto by chanting “PUNDAK Boleh” 3 times and later calling his giant eagle to carry him off to his next campaign site.

The reporters were left stunned but call what you want; YBLH is indeed a world-class YB.

~ by 9 on February 28, 2008.